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Q&A
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virgin
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slut
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| I am a 30 year old lesbian. I have been out since I was 12 years old. My whole life has evolved around my sexuality. I am an activist, in the public eye and have been so since I was a teen. I have had wonderful, long relationships with women. Now, the twist: I met a man a few years ago and we clicked immediately. Of course I assumed he MUST be gay because we identified with each other so well. But, he wasn't. We became closer and closer until finally we became lovers. I am almost ashamed to admit it, but our relationship is very "in the closet." I am afraid my sister lesbians will feel hostility towards me cause I love a man. There is yet another issue: I honestly feel this man is a soul mate. No one has ever bonded with me the way he has. He sees through me and vice versa. I adore that and I love him. However, I do not adore or love being with him sexually. I cry when we make love. I mask it though, but he is not aware. I just can't handle having sex with a man. What should I do? Stay with him cause I love him as a person or leave him because sexually, well, he's not a woman??? Str8 Dyke | |
| The first thing you need to do is figure out why you dislike being with him sexually. Is it because he’s not a woman? Or, as you said, are you feeling the shame of “betraying” your lesbian sisters? Feelings of such heavy guilt added together with the burden of having to hide your relationship can mar any relationship be it with a man or a woman. How can you allow yourself to enjoy something considered so taboo? How can you open yourself up to your soul mate and close that part of yourself off from the rest of your community? Something’s got to give. You need to figure out the root of your dislike for having sex with this man. Is it the weight of your community or is it your own sexuality? If it’s simply the fear of losing the place you’ve earned in your community, you can overcome that. Your true friends will overcome it with you. Regardless of the label you attach to your sexuality, lesbian, bisexual, straight, what have you, our community needs all the support it can get. By reading the few words you’ve written, it seems to me that it would be a great loss to our community if we lost you only because you love a man. In this time when we are all looking for acceptance, you have every right to ask for it. It’s unfortunate that our community has caused you to be stricken with such feelings of shame over something that is really none of our business. Be prepared for backlash, but know there are people who will support you and love you regardless. Find solace in them. Now, if it all comes down to your sexuality as being the reason for your disliking sex with this man, he sounds to important to lose. But you can’t continue to have sex just to keep him in your life. That’s not fair to either one of you. You shouldn’t have to mask your tears from your soul mate. It will take a special kind of man to truly understand what you’re going through and with any luck, you will be able to continue with your beautiful friendship, but under happier circumstances. | I have three words for you: psy-chia-trist. Last time I cried during sex was tears of joy. I’ve got all kinds of male friends, but I don’t have to have sex with them to keep them around. Break it off, consider him a brother, and go find yourself a woman. |
| My girlfriend of two years is very bad with her finances. She's way over her head in credit card debt, payday loans, and she usually has one or two bounced checks every month. I feel that I can't move our relationship to the next level (move in together, plan for the future) as long as she manages her money so poorly. I've talked with her about my concerns and she always says that she's "on the right track," but her words never come to fruition. Am I being overly cautious by worrying so much about this money thing? Signed, For love or money | |
| You have a very valid point and it's good that you're concerned about this issue. How many people do you know that have gone into debt as a result of their partners financial problems? I know a few. All to often couples get caught up in the romance and forget about the realities. If she continues on this path, my suggestion to you is to be very careful about the purchases you make together. If you have doubts that she'll be able to come up with her half of the monthly payments, don't buy it. If you do buy, put it in your name and make sure you can afford the entire payment on your own if she fails to put in her share. | Pay her every time you have sex. That way she'll have extra money to cover her expenses. |
| Help! I'm an older woman who is in love with a much younger person...there is 24 years between us. We have been seeing each other for 6 months now and she keeps telling me we are just "friends". Everything between us is so good, especially the sex. It's incredible! If we're not with each other, we're talking on the phone or online. We fight and I tell her I don't want to see her anymore, but I always ask her to come back.....and she does. However, she says that we aren't in a relationship, we're just friends. My question to you is, do you think I have any chance with this beautiful person? Should I go on dreaming of a long term relationship? Is there too much age difference? I need help! -Confused in NJ | |
| It scares me that you, as the older person in this relationship, has to actually "think" of the possible outcomes of this situation. Not that all relationships with a little age difference are doomed from the get go, but we're not talking about a "little" age difference here. Not to mention there already seems to be major issues after only 6 months. Your first clue is the "just friends" issue. Obviously, the girl's not ready to make a commitment to you. | Giiirrrrlllll. Robbin' the cradle. Get some sex and get out. |
| I'm a 39 y/o woman married to a wonderful man and have two kids. I had a beautiful, hectic, stormy lesbian love in high school that I recently located via the internet. I contacted her, we talked, I cried and I wanted to see her (and touch her). Needless to say, she wasn't receptive to this. She requested I not contact her again. I was good for about 4 months, but I'm obsessed with seeing her again. I am feeling the regrets of an unfulfilled love! Everywhere I turn, I see dykes that remind me of her. I'm starting to flirt with total lesbian strangers. I'm hinting to my husband of my desires. What the ---- am I doing? How do I control myself? Will this pass? -Regressing | |
| Ok…you do need to take control of yourself because this is ridiculous. Your high school crush is on the verge of filing for a restraining order for goodness sake! Trust me, obsession will get you nowhere. Leave the past alone and begin dealing with the issues that are surrounding you now. Like a potential problem with your marriage. No matter what your fantasies, you made a commitment to your husband and until you're mature enough to be honest with him, you'll never be prepared for the aftermath that your actions will create. | You see what happens when you go and get married? Now you have to have a threesome and how cliché is that? Jeez. |
| I've had this dyke friend for over a year now. I'm bisexual, I'm totally into her, and I'm pretty sure she digs me, but she claims not to trust bisexuals. I don't believe she's ever had a bad experience with one, nor have I ever betrayed anyone for the sake of someone of the other sex. What the hell?? I'm prepared to move on if need be, but is there something I'm not getting? Help! | |
| It's unfortunate, but you will most likely have to deal with some people stereotyping you as "untrustworthy" for as long as you're bisexual. I can't speak for all lesbians, but I've run into many over the years that share the same opinion as your friend. Regardless of whether or not she's had a bad experience with a bisexual woman in the past, the fear is still there. The fear that you won't be satisfied with just a woman. The fear that you'll leave her for a man. The fear that she's just an "experiment" until you decide what really makes you happy. Have faith. Believe it or not, there are people that don't care about the labels you wear. Seek them out. If your friend can't see past the word "bisexual," it's time to move on to someone who can. | Your friend is frigid. Let this be your affirmation as you file her into the "fond memory" section in your head: Eat 'em or blow 'em, in the end it's just sex. |
| I'm a bisexual girl dating a boy. We are totally in love and I can see this relationship lasting into the granny years, but the problem is I'm already missing women. I miss the smell, the taste, etc. I'm afraid I'm always gonna miss this. Should I even bother asking him for a 3some? He has told me before that he would never do it so what should I do? 3some or 3none? | |
| No matter what your gender or your sexual preference, there will always be something you miss when in the midst of a relationship. Just because you're bisexual doesn't give you an excuse to say, "I'm bi, I miss girls so I think I'm gonna go out and get me one." Just like a married man that gets the urge to slip it to his secretary or a committed lesbian that wants to sleep with her best friend, you suck it up, bite your lip, and have a moment with yourself in the bathroom stall on your lunch hour. If you're honestly in love with this guy, you shouldn't feel like you're missing something, you should feel like your gaining something. | A man that doesn't want a threesome? Are you sure he's not gay? |
| My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 months, going on 10 years! When we first started going out we spent everyday together and everyday since so it feels like we have been together FOREVER (even though we both despise the word). We argue like a married couple, we bought a car together, we are living together, and we're moving away together, but that doesn't make us married... does it? The whole thing scares me to death! How can I convince my friends that we are NOT engaged?! Or should it even matter? Or do we sound technically engaged? NOT Secretly Engaged CA | |
| You are SO engaged it's not even funny. Considering you can't get married though, what does it all really mean? Nothing (unless of course you're moving to Canada). It's my bet that most people have said you're moving too fast. Maybe you are and maybe you aren't, who's to say? As long as you're happy in you're relationship, I suggest telling your friends nothing because you're right, it doesn't matter. Not to mention that too much involvement from friends can sometimes add stress to a relationship. Carry on! Enjoy your new relationship. Just be honest with each other and you'll know when and if it's time to slow down. | Blah blah blah blah blah. Are we this, are we that, my friends, I'm scared… Do you talk this much in bed? The only thing you need to be scared of is the day you start having sex like a married couple. |
| A friend of mine is very interested in me. She and I have talked about going out, but there is still something holding me back. We have kissed twice, but she knows that I am confused, so I'm not leading her on. The great thing is that I feel that I can be very honest with her about everything, but I am really confused about what my next step should be. I am attracted to her mentally. She is beautiful, and I love kissing her, but I am really not interested in going beyond that. What should I do? | |
| There's a little interest in you or you wouldn't be kissing her because let's face it girls, who kisses someone they have absolutely no interest in? Maybe you're not head over heels for this girl. Maybe the only thing that's holding you back is fear of a serious relationship. Or that you like someone else or…hell I don't know. The thing is, we don't always fall in love at first sight. Sometimes it takes a while. As long as you're honest with her about your feelings, it's up to her to decide how long she wants to wait for you. | You're not interested in going beyond kissing? What you should do is get laid and get over yourself. Life's too short to analyze every little lip lock. |
| I recently met a gorgeous girl at a local L/G gathering. I asked her out for a drink and she said yes. I saw her 2 more times after that, then she decided to tell me a few things about herself. Like she was a legal prostitute for 4 years and married her "best trick" 1 1/2 years ago. Now her husband's in prison and she's playing mommy with his 8 year old daughter. I'm really attracted to her but I just don't know if this is the sort of thing I should be getting into. I'm looking for a relationship...not just play. Pretty Woman Reno, NV | |
| Has she divorced this guy yet? Has she adopted this child? What is she planning to do when he gets out? Assuming he's getting out. Good for you not to judge her based on her past, but you seriously need to look at her present and her future. If she doesn't have it figured out, leave now while the relationship is new and the only thing you'll be losing is someone you're attracted to instead of someone you're in love with. | Whip out some protection, get your kicks, then get the hell out. That's what I like to call a "hit and run." |
| My girlfriend and I have been off and on for about 9 months now. I have a lot of bi friends that are girls, but she doesn't have any because she's playing the "straight" role. For some reason she thinks I want to mess around with all of them when really I don't. I would never do that to her because I love her so much and have done everything I can to prove it. I'm running out of ways to convince her. Not a player NC | |
| Since when does a relationship entail "proving" yourself to your partner? Trust issues, my friend, they're never pretty. Something is making her unhappy and she could be looking for anything that will justify her feelings. Your friends whether they're bi, gay, or straight are the easiest targets. Unless you're doing something to provoke her jealousy, it seems to me that she has some issues to work out in her own head and hopefully you two can work them out together. Meanwhile, you need to stop bending over backward for her. No amount of material gifts will make her feel better if the root of her problems are not dealt with first. | If she thinks you're already doing it and she's still with you, then you might as well do it! |
| In two days, a girlfriend of mine is going to be spending the weekend at my house. Recently she started hinting to me that she wants to "explore." However, she has never been with a girl before. I would like to let her explore, but I also want her to be innocent. What should I do? Innocent | |
| First, I would like to commend you on actually taking the time to weigh your decision instead of pouncing at the first sign of opportunity. Too often, friends allow themselves to become involved with friends for the wrong reasons rather than taking a step back and doing the right thing. However, you have to take into consideration that your friend, as pure as she may be now, will one day fall into the hands of evil. Trust me. Allowing your friend to explore will not necessarily cost her her innocence if your intentions and heart are in the right place. | A friend of mine once said, "I wouldn't touch a virgin with a ten foot pole!" I say, take advantage of those that don't know any better. Teach her some new tricks. I'm sure she'll thank you for it later. |
| Dear VS, I've been with my girl for almost a year and a half. She's butch, I'm femme. However, I feel like I'm the one that's butch because I act tougher. I want my girlfriend to wear more feminine clothes. How can I get my butch girl to dress femme? Wondering -NY | |
| Have you talked to your girlfriend about how she would feel dressing more feminine? I'm guessing that if she doesn't already, it's because she doesn't want to. As much as you might want to see her flash a little leg, the idea of sashaying her ass across the room in a miniskirt could send her screaming off the edge of the cliff. A novel idea, I know, but people dress the way they dress and only they can change what they change into. If your mind is set, bring the subject up and pay careful attention to her reaction, not your own desires. | Who cares? The clothes come off when you hit the sheets! |
| Dear VS, I've been looking for a girlfriend for a while. I'm not sure if my age has anything to do with it (since I'm not quite 18 yet). I've had girlfriends but they all dump me. My friends say I'm too clingy. I like the sex (though I've never orgasmed), but I want a relationship on all levels. What can I do to find a girl and keep her? Desperate -CA | |
| Not to completely annihilate your hopes of finding true love or anything, but you're gonna get dumped, and dumped, and dumped. You'll be called clingy, inattentive, overbearing, boring, what have you. Maybe you are and maybe you aren't. You'll figure out in your own time what works for you and your girlfriend in your relationship. While your friends input is very valuable, you have to listen to yourself and really pay attention to your instinct. In the meantime, just relax. Enjoy dating and try not to take it too seriously. Don't treat every new girl like the love of your life because at this age, it's very unlikely that you'll find somebody that will truly fulfill you. Not to mention she might get scared at the thought. | You're young, the last thing you should be looking for is a relationship. Experiment, experiment, experiment! |
| Dear VS, I've been with my girlfriend for two years. Recently she decided she wants to see other people. She feels that she needs to mature and experience other relationships in order for our relationship to grow. She says that she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, but she needs to get out and experience some of the world for a while. I don't know whether to accept that, and wait for her, or dump her and get on with my life. Ambivalent -CA | |
| Ambivalent my ass! Is her idea of "experience" backpacking through Europe or screwing her way across country? If it's the former, remind her that Europe is more fun with friends. If it's the latter, she wants to be a whore and eat you too…I mean her cake…whatever. Move on! Life's too short to wait for recycled chicks with short attention spans. Most likely she's afraid of ending the relationship because she doesn't want to hurt you or be on her own again. Let her go unless you want to suffer through the heartache of waiting for her to come back. | Free sex with no commitment. Must I respond? |
| Dear VS, My gf and I have been together for almost two years. One night we went to a party and got really drunk. We wound up having a threesome with our mutual best friend. The thing is, I really liked the sex with our friend better than with my gf, but I am totally in love with my gf. I just don't know what to do. Please help. Threes a Crowd -NY | |
| Threesomes are a tricky little booger, aren't they? Two thoughts come to mind on your little situation. One: you've been with your girl for two years. Perhaps the sex has gotten a little stale? It could be that you got a taste of something new and exciting, not necessarily better (the two can be easily confused). Two: if it was truly better, why not talk to your girl and see if she can't learn a few tricks of your mutual best friends trade? Be careful how you approach it though, your girlfriend might be a little sensitive to comparisons and it could sting if you don't handle it right. | I say move her in! Give your girl a little two-on-one instruction, if you know what I mean. |
| Dear V/S, I've had a girlfriend for over a year now that I really love…as a friend. I just can't seem to get past the feeling that we're not meant for each other. I don't have the heart to tell her because I know it will devastate her, but I'm just not happy. Signed, Torn -CO | |
| While it's really nice of you to be so considerate of her feelings, I'm sure we would all agree that there are far too many relationships out there with one or two unhappy partners. Of course it's always difficult breaking up with someone you care about, but when you've done everything you can to make it work and you're still unhappy, it's time to let it go. I'm sure you both deserve to find someone to fall in love with. | Tell her you love her but you're not in love with her…Then see if she will still have sex with you while you look for someone new. |
| Dear VS, My girlfriend is always nagging me about the way I dress. She thinks I should dress to please her, but I've never been one to conform to others opinions and I'm not about to start now. In fact, I'm purposely starting to wear clothes I know she won't like just to prove my point. Signed, Undressed -NJ | |
| Unfortunately, there must always be some form of compromise in every relationship. Personally, it makes me feel good to know that my girlfriend likes the way I look. However, in no way do I want to compromise my individuality to please someone else. Work together to find a solution that you can both be happy with. If that doesn't work, maybe the problems you're dealing with go deeper than your clothes. | Sex sells. If you're wearing a hefty bag and your mom's penny loafers, how are you going to get any action? Dress up, sex kitten, before her eyes start to wander… |
| Dear VS, I've been seeing a girl on and off for a few months now, but her girlfriend knows nothing about me. I keep telling myself that I'll leave her if she doesn't choose which one of us she wants to be with, but I keep going back. The sex is ok, but for some reason I can't even have an orgasm with her. What am I waiting for? Signed, Waiting -WA | |
| You're waiting for hell to freeze over if you think she's going to dump her girl for her toy. If you want her to "choose" then obviously you want more from her than just sex. Or is your physical pleasure confusing your emotions? A little fact for you - (66%) of those who have cheated has cheated more than once. Have some pride! Get rid of her and move on to somebody whose drama won't hinder your ability to have an orgasm. | All this and you can't even climax?! If she were a good lay, I'd have to say get it while the gettin's good, but in this case all I can say is LOSE HER! You can have better sex with your vibrator. |
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